Rotten Tomatoes score: 27%
This Marvel superhero movie was released in February 2007, which was the first sign that it would not be a smash-hit. Superhero movies are the epitome of the summer blockbuster, so releasing one in late winter would seem to indicate a lack of faith in its blockbusting capabilities. And sure enough, Ghost Rider did not measure up to the Spider-Man and X-Men movies that went before it.
But you know, this movie is not awful. It's okay. And that's not such a small accomplishment in my book.
The story revolves around Johnny Blaze, a stunt motorcyclist in the tradition of Evel Knievel and Homer Simpson, who sells his soul to the devil to save his sick father's life. The devil (called Mephistopheles and played by Peter Fonda) cures Johnny's father, but then causes him to die in an accident the next day. Johnny is angry, but Mephistopheles insists that he has upheld his end of the agreement, and that he will one day come a-calling on Johnny's soul.
(Why does the devil always do things like this? He's not going to get any decent word-of-mouth at this rate.)
Years later, we meet Johnny as an adult. I'm assuming there was a deleted scene where the devil removes Johnny's face and replaces it with Nicolas Cage, like in Face/Off; otherwise I'm at a loss to explain why he looks absolutely nothing like he did in the prologue.
His best bud, Donal Logue (who I always find really likable, but I can't put my finger on why), is at his wits' end with Johnny's outlandishly dangerous stunts. Johnny knows that Mephistopheles' unholy power prevents him from dying before he fulfills his end of their bargain, so he recklessly undertakes bike stunts that would make Super Dave Osborne blush. At one such extravaganza, he finds himself face-to-face with his high school sweetheart Roxanne (Eva Mendes).
Unfortunately, their efforts to rekindle their romance are stymied by the arrival of Mephistopheles' evil son Blackheart upon the earth. Blackheart is a being so dangerous that even the devil himself wants him stopped. Apparently, Blackheart wants to collect on a hundred-year-old contract that will give him the power of a thousand damned souls. It's pretty serious.
Mephistopheles commands Johnny to do battle against Blackheart by becoming the Ghost Rider, a fire skeleton monster that rides a magic motorcycle. The Ghost Rider has the power to turn people's eyes into brimstone or something, although I'm not sure why he wants to. He also has a fiery chain that he uses to kill Blackheart's evil angel friends.
When Blackheart murders Donal and kidnaps Roxanne, Ghost Rider seeks help from Sam Elliott, playing exactly the same role as in The Big Lebowski. Sam Elliott disappears after completing his four minutes of screen time, and Johnny rather unspectacularly kills Blackheart and saves the day. Having discharged his contractual duties, Johnny chooses to remain the Ghost Rider to fight for right.
Like I said before, this movie is all right. It isn't good, but it's easy to sit through, and what more can you really ask for?
All right, look.
There is a sequel to this movie. It's called Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Rotten Tomatoes gives it an 18%. Please, please, please do not see this movie. It is awful. It is absolutely dreadful. I detest this movie.
It was directed by an entity known as "Neveldine/Taylor" and Nic Cage returns to the role. No other cast members return. As a matter of fact, calling it a "sequel" is misleading, since it in no way follows the plot of the first movie. What plot there is is incomprehensible. The characters' actions bear no correspondence to human behavior, and the dialogue consists of a series of random, meaningless sentences in the English language. If the movie had been in Hungarian, I don't think I would have noticed the difference. There are scenes where Nicolas Cage just stares at the camera and makes funny faces while riding his motorcycle, with no context or explanation.
This is an unspeakable monstrosity of a movie.
A character that seems to be the villain is played by Ciaran Hinds. The prevailing hypothesis is that this is Mephistopheles from the first movie, but he is inexplicably referred to as "Roarke." Although Johnny Blaze had embraced his Ghost Rider persona in the previous movie, he is now desperate to be rid of it. Equally unexplained is the fact that Johnny now becomes the Ghost Rider when he is angry. The only conceivable way to account for this is that the writers confused Ghost Rider with the Incredible Hulk, and no one ever realized the mistake. (Indeed, it would astonish me if the screenplay was ever read by anyone before production began.)
I hate this movie.
Here, just watch this scene. This may make you laugh. It makes me weep. That's because I have seen the movie, and I can report that everything else in it is even worse.
I realize that my over-the-top condemnation of Spirit of Vengeance may make some foolish reader decide to see it, on the theory of "How bad could it really be?" and/or "If it's this awful, I've got to see it." I assure you, you will regret it. (Remember who's saying this, now—how terrible does a movie have to be before I hate it?)
I refuse to include a graphic labeling this movie as over- or underrated. It is beneath contempt. Let us never speak of it again.
But- but- he's scraping at the door!!!
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