Jingle All the Way 2

Alex Zamm, 2014
Rotten Tomatoes score: 30%

I was mildly surprised to discover last year that 1996's Jingle All the Way had suddenly spawned a sequel after eighteen years of well-earned obscurity, and that it starred blue-collar funnyman Daniel Lawrence Whitney (who was born and raised in Nebraska and has never worked for a cable company). I was more surprised, upon finally watching this movie a year after I bought it, to learn that it was produced by WWE Studios, the motion picture division of World Wrestling Entertainment.

Also surprising is the fact that this direct-to-video low-budget sequel actually scored higher on Rotten Tomatoes than the original.

Larry the Cable Guy plays Larry Phillips, a hayseed who may or may not be a cable guy, and who presumably excels at gitting-r-done. Larry lives in a trailer in the woods of North America and enjoys ice fishing with his five-year-old daughter Noel. (The movie was produced in the Vancouver area, known for its damp but mild winters, and seems to take place in equally temperate North Carolina. Apparently Larry and Noel don't mind making the thousand-mile drive to Ontario in a single morning to go ice fishing.)

Noel loves Larry as truly only a naïve child could, but her mother is now married to Victor Baxter, a multi-billionaire box manufacturing mogul. One wonders what Noel's evidently intelligent and attractive mother ever saw in Larry, but if we pause to wonder about that, we may as well also ask why Larry speaks with a cartoon southern drawl while everyone else in his hometown is Canadian. So let's just move on.

Larry resents Victor for his ability to supply Noel with things material, so when he chances upon the tyke's letter to Santa, he sneaks a look to find out if there is anything Noel wants that Victor has not yet provided. It turns out there is: Noel's misspelled letter is hard to decipher, but it appears to say, "I want my family to get Harrison." Larry interprets this cryptic statement as a reference to Harrison the Talking Bear, the most popular children's toy on the market.

Now, in Jingle 1, the sought-after toy was clearly a parody of Power Rangers and other action figures that were the rage in the mid-90s. I'm not sure what they're going for with this talking bear—the closest thing I can remember from real life is Real Talkin' Bubba, but that came out 20 years ago. (If you're old enough to remember Real Talkin' Bubba, I'm sorry for reminding you of it, and if you're not, I dare you to look it up.)

Christmas apparently is still several days away, so Larry is not under the same time pressure as Arnold in the first movie, but every time he comes close to laying his hands on a Harrison Bear, events conspire to thwart him. Eventually, we the audience discover that there really is a conspiracy to stop Larry from buying the doll, and of course Victor is behind it—he has bought every Harrison Bear in town to make sure Larry can't find one. Larry finally puts the pieces together (actually he learns about Victor's scheme from the local news, which seems like a lazy plot device), and sneaks into Victor's warehouse to confront his nemesis.

Faced with scandal now that the town knows he's been hoarding toys, Victor bears his soul to Larry. It turns out that Victor has always envied Larry, the easy-going fun-loving dad, and bought up all the Harrison Bears in a desperate attempt to steal Larry's thunder. This of course comes out of nowhere, but I can't say it's out of character, since Victor was never really given any character traits to begin with. Anyway, Larry and Victor learn to appreciate each other and put aside their differences in record time, after which they placate the townspeople by distributing the stockpiled Harrison Bears to the masses.

On Christmas morning, Larry finally gives Noel her present, and to everyone's astonishment, she is indifferent towards it. It turns out her letter to Santa Claus actually said, "I want my family together as one."

Well, that's just ridiculous.