Rotten Tomatoes score: 15%
Surely nothing has given former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger greater pride than his performance in this holiday favorite. The critics despised it, but it seems viewers found it only mildly contemptible.
His Honor plays Howard Langston, a Twin Cities businessman who--surprise, surprise--doesn't spend enough time with his son. After breaking promise after promise, Howard assures the boy that this once, he won't break his word--he swears he'll get his kid a Turbo-Man action figure for Christmas this year. The problem is, it's Christmas Eve and workaholic Howard still hasn't found time to make the purchase.
Turbo-Man seems to be a parody of the hordes of Power Ranger knock-offs that were all the rage at the time. Of course, the gimmick of a panicked parent scouring stores to find a coveted toy has been a perennial cliché dating back at least to the Cabbage Patch Kids craze of 1983.
What follows is a ludicrous jaunt that leads Howard all over the place in a desperate search for Turbo-Man. Along the way, he meets the only other dad in the world who is still without a Turbo-Man for his kid: a postman played by Sinbad. The two begin as allies, but almost immediately find themselves turned rivals, competing to get first dibs on an action figure, should one turn up.
Their plans are repeatedly thwarted by a curmudgeonly cop played by Robert Conrad, a radio host played by Martin Mull, and even Howard's philandering neighbor, Phil Hartman.
This movie seems to have taken some of its "comedic" inspiration from Home Alone, as so many PG movies did at the time. We get lots of nonsensical slapstick scenes, including one where Robert Conrad opens a mail-bomb, and in the next shot, his face is covered in soot like Yosemite Sam, but he appears uninjured. It's pretty ridiculous.
Eventually, Howard somehow finds himself disguised as Turbo-Man himself, waving to throngs of adoring fans from his float in a Christmas parade. Finally his ship has come in, as he has the opportunity to deliver a special-edition Turbo-Man figure to a lucky kid from the audience. Naturally he chooses his son, but before son can forgive prodigal dad, who should arrive but Sinbad, dressed to the nines in the costume of Dementor, arch-nemesis of Turbo-Man!
Dementor--I mean Sinbad (...actually, the character's real name is Myron)--undertakes to steal the doll from the kid, and before you know it, the poor eight-year-old sucker is dangling from a Christmas tree decoration 60 feet above the ground. Fortunately, Howard's costume is complete with a jet-pack the likes of which I imagine NASA would love to get its hands on.
Thus, Howard plucks his boy from the gaping maw of grisly death, and the movie comes to an upbeat conclusion. Turbo-Man dramatically reveals his true identity to his wife and son--you might have thought his out-of-place Austrian accent would have given him away--and Sinbad is arrested for attempted murder.
Oh, and the little kid has learned a valuable lesson too, so he gives his beloved Turbo-Man doll to Sinbad, who we can only assume will mail it to his own child from St. Cloud Correctional.
So what are the moral lessons of this happy tale?
1. It's wrong for fathers not to spend time with their kids.
I told you it wasn't over.
2. It's not toys that bring children happiness.
Well, actually it is. But what brings them even more happiness is seeing their dad dressed up as a giant toy.
Stay tuned for more of the True Meaning of Christmas every day this month.
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