Rotten Tomatoes score: 82%
Well, since it's December, I'm going to attempt to give this blog some actual content by posting a review of a holiday-themed movie every day. And for the benefit of my (hypothetical) readership, I will explain to you what valuable lessons each movie teaches us about the True Meaning of Christmas.
And what better place to start than with The Santa Clause? It's a classic of my youth that, apparently, most people actually enjoyed.
This joyful holiday film weaves the tale of the unmourned death of an omnipotent being.
Tim Allen plays Scott Calvin, a toy company executive who has a successful career, but little else going for him: His ex-wife Laura (Wendy Crewson) is now married to a dweeby but decent psychiatrist (Judge Reinhold); and he rarely gets to see his young son Charlie (Eric Lloyd). While Charlie is visiting for Christmas Eve, Scott sees what he believes is a burglar on his roof and startles him. The "burglar" is of course St. Nick, who slips off the roof, falls twenty-five feet to the ground, and immediately dies of massive internal injuries.
(Apparently, in the original script, Scott took Santa out with a shotgun. But once Disney got involved, they insisted that this be re-tooled. Tim Allen was disappointed, but what we're left with is still a pretty edgy piece of gallows humor for a family movie.)
Luckily, since this is a kids' movie, we don't actually see his corpse. As soon as he dies, Santa's body simply vanishes--evidently he is translated into the hereafter like an Old Testament prophet. Utterly undaunted by this disturbing scene, Scott discovers a little note from Santa lying on the ground, urging him to put on Santa's clothes. Scott does so, and he and Charlie proceed to fill in for Kris Kringle and complete his deliveries for the night.
Santa's reindeer then lead Scott and Charlie back to the North Pole, where a team of childlike elves, led by Bernard (David Krumholtz, one of our most underrated actors), tell Scott that--pursuant to a deliberately deceptive contract--he has agreed to become "the Big Guy" permanently.
This doesn't sit too well with either Scott or anyone else once he and Charlie return home and tell the tale. Scott continues to remain skeptical that any of these astounding events actually occurred, and psychiatrist Neil believes it's all a bizarre folie à deux, but Charlie embraces it wholeheartedly. Scott finally comes around when he experiences severe weight gain and grows a full white beard that regenerates instantaneously every time he shaves. At the same time, he experiences tremendous personality changes, adopting a much greater level of benevolence (and omniscience), while not quite shedding his acerbic wit.
Laura and Neil grow increasingly disconcerted, believing that Scott is altering his appearance on purpose in order to indulge Charlie's delusions. (Why Scott doesn't resolve the matter by demonstrating his miraculous beard-growing powers will forever remain a holiday mystery.) Ultimately, Scott loses custody of Charlie, but luckily it's late November by this point and Bernard has returned to enforce Scott's contract. He and Scott feloniously abduct Charlie and go back to the North Pole in time for the holiday rush.
An elfin version of Q tricks Scott out with the latest gadgets, including a high-tech sleigh and a fire-retardant suit. Scott expresses genuine concern that he might fall to his death off a roof, but the elves have other priorities.
On Christmas Eve, the cops are out in force looking for Scott, and they arrest him as soon as he arrives in town. An iconic and hilarious sequence follows, where a policeman grills Scott about his true identity, and Scott rattles off half a dozen monikers for Santa Claus, inexplicably including "Topo Gigio" (actually the name of a mouse from an Italian stop-motion cartoon).
The North Pole dispatches a squadron of jetpack-wearing elves, commanded by the most irritating child this side of Full House. They break Scott out of jail, and he returns Charlie to Laura and Neil, who finally accept that Scott really is Santa Claus. (Neil is slow to catch on, even after he watches Bernard de-materialize in front of his eyes.)
Charlie is sad to see his father go, but Scott gives him a snow-globe that has the uncouth power to summon Scott through space and time whenever Charlie needs a visit.
One of the most bizarre things about this movie, like a lot of family Christmas comedies, is the adults' discussion of how they lost faith in Santa. It's a strange idea--after all, Laura and Neil must have noticed the way presents that they know they didn't buy somehow appear under the tree every Christmas morning. To speak only for myself, I learned the truth about Santa Claus when my parents flat-out told me--I didn't gradually sink into apostasy the way this movie's adults seem to do.
My question is, who exactly relates to this? As far as I know, children who are young enough to believe in Santa are oblivious to the fact that their parents have stopped believing. (They must be, since it's their parents who tell them about Santa to start with.) Anyway, this is a minor complaint, but it has always struck me as weird.
I loved this movie when I saw it as a kid, and it holds up just as well for me today. However, everyone else actually seems to agree with me for once, so I can happily report that this movie is
Now, as promised, let's see what lessons this movie teaches us about the True Meaning of Christmas:
1. It is wrong for fathers not to spend time with their children
This is a popular one, as you'll see over the next couple of days. It's actually very difficult to think of any family Christmas movie that doesn't employ this theme.
2. Divorce is hard on children, and parents should endeavor to make it easier for them
This is not too common for Christmas movies, but for family movies in general, it's pretty typical. But this movie reminds us that supernatural adventures can ease the transition for kids and parents alike.
3. Santa Claus actually exists
Not much to say about this one.
So that's the meaning of Christmas. ...Or is it? We'll learn more tomorrow.
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